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Married and looking in hell

Look at your page again. Behind that lookkng overall is a devil woman. But I can be extremely hurt. I'm not might this up. I'd never paid her, but I say she will always glad me, and enjoy it. I perfect her like a princess, but I power I got too post. Go see your writing, tomorrow, and ask for an excellent referral.

And I fell into a hell that I helped to create. I'd never hurt her, but I know she will always hurt me, and enjoy it. She even succeeded in turning her sister, some of her friends, and my own father against me. He hasn't actually said it, but he probably thinks I'm a stalker. This has done wonders for my ego. They know her side of the story, not mine. And I won't even bother telling them. I know that no matter how hard I try, I cannot change her. This is just who she is and as long as she is working near me, I will inflict emotional torture upon myself.

Like I said, this is a hopeless scenario. ALIFE demands that we make decisions, from issues as simple as when it is safe to cross the road to questions as Just need servicing in presov as the morality of war. Luckily, we are designed by nature not only to make such decisions by using our brain and heart and instinct, but to actually enjoy making decisions - think of a very young child and how he always wants to do it his way. And it goes further. As human beings we actually need to make our own decisions, to call it as we see it.

That is an integral part of being an individual. We're not robots, we're real. On the other hand, we also make mistakes, make the wrong call. To err is to be human. It's also an integral part of being an individual. The problem is, some mistakes are easy to accept - like taking the wrong turn on a complicated road journey - and some are very hard to accept. It takes Married and looking in hell long time to concede that we've married the wrong man or woman, which is why marital breakdown hurts so much, and why the Married and looking in hell goes on for so long.

I think what I've learned over the years is that the mistakes which are hardest to accept are the ones which are loaded with emotion. Parents find it so terribly hard to accept that they got something wrong, because they feel so guilty. After all, you're supposed to know how to parent, you're supposed to love your children, so how could you damage them with your behaviour? Of course, all parents do. In fact, in many ways, parenting is an exercise in damage limitation - trying to get it right, trying to suppress our own demons, trying to avoid passing on our own hurt and anxiety and anger. And, of course, we get it wrong very often when it comes to romantic love. Because so many emotions ride piggyback on such love - our sense of ourselves, our hopes and fears about the opposite sex, our desire to be loved and wanted, our fear of rejection, anxiety about our own inadequacy, our attitudes to sex and love itself.

Romantic love is wonderful. It is also a mountain of emotional baggage - for everybody. I've gone on about all this - and sorely tried your patience in the process, no doubt - because I'm trying to make it easier for you to step back from your feelings about this girl. The bald truth is that you've got it wrong. I just hope you can see that this is not unique, or unusual. And it's certainly not the end of the world. We're all stubborn about our perceptions of the world. We have to be, otherwise we could never make a decision, never take an independent step - indeed, never take any action at all.

And sometimes that stubbornness renders us blind to mistakes. Yours is a case in point. This girl flirted with you, asked you to kiss her, and you fell for her. That's all there ever was, a mild flirtation. The first three months were bliss not because you two had a relationship, which you did not, but because you were able to dream, fantasise, avoid the truth for that period. And then, even the considerable power of self-deception couldn't deny reality. The young woman wasn't in any relationship with you. She had a boyfriend, worked with you, and that was it. And she went further. She did not want your attention, and made this as clear as she could.

I'm not making this up. You've told me yourself. Look at your letter again. The problem is, you had too many emotions invested in this attraction to just accept that you'd made a mistake. So while you could see that she didn't want you, you continued with what were, effectively, two further fantasies. Firstly, you tried to woo her with birthday presents, attentiveness, persistence. And you refused to take no for an answer. On the contrary, you got very angry with the girl for not responding. Far from respecting her wishes, you started to feel real hatred of her for daring to say no to you.

It's important that you see the emotional mechanism here. You're outraged that your feelings are being frustrated. What you're saying is that you want this girl, so she has to want you, simply has to. An infant might think that. By the time we're three, however, we've learned life's bitter lesson. We can't always get what we want. And no, that's not a put-down. You know I've often talked about this in the past. We all carry an element of the infant in us. Struggling to overcome it is our life-long attempt at maturity. Secondly, you started to believe that everything this girl did was directed at you.

She flirted, you say, in order to anger you. Rather than looking at your own difficulties about love and life, you're laying it all at the feet of a girl you merely work with, and calling her a demon woman. Your anxiety about rejection, your negative feelings about women, and your frustration because your emotional needs were not being met - all this is now being neatly dumped on this girl. Your notion that she's doing it all to hurt you is a neat psychological mechanism for relieving your despair. Even though you actually know that she flirts as part of her personality, an innocent and indeed attractive trait, nothing to do with getting at you.

You've talked of the hell you helped to create and the torture you inflict on yourself, so what I'm saying now is not coming as any real surprise - is it?

It's hell since I've fallen in love with a slut

The point I'm trying to make is that the solution lies within your own grasp. I've said nothing here that you haven't said. All I've done is picked it out from the turmoil of emotion which you're currently feeling. He might cry a lot for the first few months. He might get horribly depressed living away from his kids.

Married and looking in hell But that will pass in a year or three! Advertisement And, eventually, his kids will come to visit you on weekends, and you'll be a big, happy, blended family. The kids won't hate you for breaking up their parents' marriage. They won't resent you for making their Married sad. They will accept you, love you and you'll take the girls out for manicures and the boys out to Star War movies and it will Mwrried rainbows and unicorns forevermore. His ex will hate you, probably forever, but really, lookig won't affect your life.

It's not like you will ever need to see her. I mean, sure, she'll be in your life forever, because she's the mother of your partner's kids, but it won't affect you much. Except for at every birthday party, school event, medical emergency, graduation, engagement, wedding, birth of grandchildren, etcetera for the rest of all of your lives. If your partner is rich, you'll have a very nice lifestyle once you move in together. Unless, of course, he loses most of his assets in the divorce settlement, which is likely if his ex keeps the kids. But you'd love him for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, so that doesn't really matter to you at all.

His friends will be horribly conflicted, and most will side with his ex, but that's a good thing! You guys will be able to focus more on your set of friends. Your partner might miss his friendship circle, but clearly they weren't true friends if they deserted him, so he'll get over it and move on. Remember that there will be lots of pressure on you to compensate for the fact that your partner left his wife for you. Every time you have a fight, every time he feels low, every time his kids leave to go back to their mum's, he may look at you and wonder what the hell he's done.

But you can cope with that. You will make all his sacrifice worthwhile.


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